Why Are Liberals So Self-Loathing?

If I were to list all the reasons why being a liberal is just plain lousy (if not the absolute pits), I would have to visit a paper mill to secure more stationery. Likewise, I would run out of ink or toner or whatever writing implement I was using.

Actually, if I were a true liberal, I would be writing on tree bark… with the tree’s permission, of course.

Simply put, adopting a liberal mindset isn’t a lot of fun. I guess that’s why most libs are seemingly angry 24/7 and when you say something they disagree with, they twist their face into all sorts of strange contortions while their eyes bulge, the veins in their neck pulsate, and their complexion turns an unattractive shade of fire engine red.

And then there’s the spit… or at least the more politely named “spittle” that forms and froths at the corner of their mouths. In fact, the ability to spew non-stop venom is considered a very valuable character trait in progressive circles.

But perhaps the main disadvantage of being a liberal/progressive is that the #1 prerequisite to joining Club Lib is you have to hate yourself. Seriously… I’m not kidding.

Think about it for a minute. Every liberal I know hates who they are and who they’ve been. If they are white (and most progressives are), they despise their skin color because to them, it represents oppression, colonialism, and a host of other repugnant racial and ethnic attributes. It doesn’t matter if their ancestors fought in the Union Army to free the slaves or served as medical missionaries to indigenous people. Coming from white stock (somehow, I’m returning to my paper mill analogy) means you are inherently evil… and there is nothing you can do about it but apologize over and over again.

At least that’s what we are teaching Caucasian kindergartners in schools that have adopted the CRT curriculum. Forget what Dr. King said about character – and not skin color – being the true measure of a person. White is bad, plain and simple.

So is coming from anything or anywhere but a third-world nation or an inner-city ghetto because, according to the Progressive Playbook, every person who got ahead in life did so by oppressing someone else… not by staying in school, getting a good education, and applying what they learned to land a good job.

How dare you insinuate that a good education is the secret to success, you imperialist pig! After all, everyone knows that schools are elitist and patently prejudiced because they favor students who study hard and test well over those who fall asleep in class and whose dogs eat their homework every night. And who’s to say that 2 + 2 = 4? What about the feelings of the student who thinks the correct answer is 5?

Ask any liberal you meet on the street – actually, in the subway, because most of them take public transportation or at least say they do – if American history should be taught as is, blemishes and all, or if we should eliminate everything that happened on U.S. soil before Bill Clinton or Barack Obama was elected president? According to them, our Founding Fathers were all Fascists… or worse.

Back to jobs and the urban jungle for a minute. If you manage to buy a nice house in the suburbs and drive anything but a Prius, you are single-handedly destroying the planet because your oversized carbon footprint is responsible for decimating the entire Amazon rain forest. Shame on you for living the American dream! Don’t you know that we were meant to live in huts with no running water, indoor plumbing, air conditioning or refrigeration?

Of course, I am willing to bet that most progressives live in gated communities, but that’s beside the point (see the Progressive Playbook, page 12, paragraph 4, where it says that the recommended pre-Industrial Revolution living standards don’t apply to liberals).

If only conservatives would stop smiling so much and learn to be miserable like liberals, we might all get along better. Cut out the optimistic attitude, too, because it just makes progressives mad. After all, don’t you know the world is coming to an end in the next 12 years according to their high priestess, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez?

Oops, better make that 8 years because Saint Alex (progressives prefer nonbinary names) made her bold prediction in 2019. And strike that reference to “her,” because I am pretty sure that AOC’s preferred pronouns are we/they/us.

I really should stop here but, as a compulsively upbeat conservative who thinks that China is more of an existential threat than climate change, I am having entirely too much fun at the progressives’ expense. So maybe we’ll just pick up tomorrow where we left off today…