My New Year's Resolutions

New year… new opportunities… new challenges.

Today, we offer some helpful resolutions for some prominent people inside the Washington Beltway and beyond.

Bill Clinton – To keep away from Jeffrey Epstein’s private island.

Prince Andrew – To keep away from Bill Clinton.

Bill Gates – To keep away from Bill Clinton, Epstein’s island, and… wait a minute. Do I detect a pattern here?

Hillary Clinton – To publicly admit that the 2016 election wasn’t stolen from me. I… simply… blew… it. Also, to wear something other than a pants suit, just once.

Joe Biden – To remember to cut my meat into smaller pieces and to remain upright when walking or climbing stairs… especially on Air Force One.

Jill Biden – To resist the urge to (1) correct everything Joe says and (2) check the terms of his life insurance policy every hour on the hour. He’s starting to get suspicious.

Kamala Harris – To learn how to speak in public without giggling uncontrollably. Keep reminding yourself that what you said wasn’t (intentionally) funny and no one else is laughing.

Chuck Schumer – To try to look less sinister (and less like a combination of Felonious Gru and Dr. Nefario, two of the villains from “the Despicables” movie series).

AOC – Speaking of animated films, that talking donkey in Shrek I and II looks (and sounds) eerily familiar. Time for a new image.

Nancy Pelosi – To find an outlet that sells Botox wholesale.

Donald Trump – To unplug the tanning booth.

Gavin Newsom – To buy a bigger mirror to admire myself in.

Adam Schiff – To do something, anything, about those beady eyes.

Mitt Romney – To learn to walk without looking like I have a steel rod embedded in my back. Robots look more relaxed.

Mitch McConnell – To find a way to stop staring blankly into space or better yet, to retire while I still have a shred of personal dignity.

Maxine Waters – To show the world exactly what is under those ridiculous wigs I wear. Oh, and to say something intelligent on the House floor.

John Kerry – To finally collect residuals for my leading man role on the Munsters. Also, to be invited to yet another climate change conference so I can gas up the ol’ private jet again.

Pete Buttigieg – To find a pair of elevator shoes in my size… and a booster seat to match.

Bernie Sanders – To practice speaking in public without flapping my arms like a sandhill crane protecting its territory… or a stork preparing for liftoff.

Sean Hannity and Brett Baier – To go easy on the teeth bleaching so my viewers don’t have to wear sunglasses – or a welder’s helmet – to watch my program.

Chris Christie – To cancel my membership in the Buffet of the Month Club.

Vivek Ramaswamy – To land the part of the Mayor of Munchkinland in the new Wizard of Oz remake. Forget spending hours in the makeup chair; I already have the right hairstyle.

Coming Tomorrow: Portrait of a Charlatan