My Debate Predictions

Having gazed into the same crystal ball that boldly predicted Harold Stassen defeating both Truman and Dewey in 1948, here are my predictions for Tuesday night’s presidential debate…

1. If Joe Biden remains in an upright position for all 90 minutes, the media will declare him the winner.

2. President Trump will wear a smartly tailored blue suit while Joe Biden will appear in a nightshirt with matching cap.

3. As long as Joe Biden doesn’t mistake Chris Wallace for his wife or his sister, the media will declare him the winner.

4. President Trump will have a glass of water on his podium, whereas Joe Biden will have a steaming mug of hot cocoa.

5. If Joe Biden manages to not dribble his cocoa down his chin, the media will declare him the winner.

6. President Trump will deflect questions about the hair on his head. Joe Biden will volunteer to answer questions about the hair on his legs.

7. If Joe Biden manages to walk onto the stage unassisted and needs less than three tries to find his assigned podium, the media will declare him the winner.

8. President Trump will scowl. Joe Biden will squint.

9. Oddsmakers in Vegas will take wagers on how many times Joe Biden says, “you know, the thing”, “come on, man”, and “the Harris-Biden administration.” Setting the over/under at 42, those betting the over will win.

10. President Trump will clean Joe Biden’s clock, resulting in the media calling Trump a bully and declaring Biden the winner.