Joe Biden's Secret Debate Strategy

Using an old skeleton key that was once gifted to me by Richard Nixon – he told me it would open anything – I was able to sneak past security and gain access to Camp David this past weekend. Not only that, but while he was dozing, I managed to secure a copy of President Biden’s debate strategy, which was written in very large font using an orange crayon.

Here are some of the main points that Ron Klain, Biden’s former chief of staff who also helped the president prepare for his State of the Union address in March, stressed in his memo.

1. Stay awake. This may sound silly, Mr. President, but we both know that you frequently nod off during cabinet meetings, state dinners, and one-on-one discussions with world leaders. And no, you can’t wear your aviator sunglasses to hide your drooping eyelids.

2. Wipe your chin. Drool shows up on camera, so be sure to dab the corners of your mouth every 3-5 minutes.

3. When, not if, you draw a blank, please resist the urge to close your eyes tightly and wince. Every time you do that, it looks like it pains you to think (which I know it does, but not everyone needs to know that).

4. When you walk on stage, remember to drop breadcrumbs behind you like Hansel and Gretel so you won’t get lost. Also, try to bend your knees when you walk instead of looking like a man on stilts.

5. Remember there are no potty breaks, so cut back on your Ensure two hours before the debate begins. And don’t forget to take your Adderall-laced Flintstone vitamins every hour on the hour the day of the debate.

6. Be sure to tuck in your Depends. Remember… out of sight, out of mind.

7. Limit referencing your son Beau to no more than 10 times. The same goes for phrases such as “that’s no joke,” “for real,” “I’m not kidding,” and “that’s not hyperbole.” Make no mention of your Uncle Bozy or cannibals.

8. As you know, we have manipulated your sleep schedule to trick your body into thinking that the 9:00 PM starting time is really 9:00 AM. That being said, please don’t wish the TV audience a “Good Morning.” Above all, do not reference “sundown syndrome” or “nappy time” in your closing remarks.

9. Your wife’s name is Jill and your remaining son’s name is Hunter. Repeat after me.

10. Remember that Francois Mitterand, the former president of France, has been dead since 1996. So, please don’t tell people that you spoke with him just last week. The same goes for Charles de Gaulle, who died in 1970; Napoleon, who died in 1821; and Joan of Arc, who was burned at the stake in 1431.

11. There is a difference between being forceful and shouting, like you did nonstop for 68 minutes during your State of the Union address in March. It makes you sound like an angry old man. Also, resist telling Donald Trump to “get off my lawn.”

12. We purposely chose CNN to host the debate and handpicked Jake Tapper and Dana Bash to serve as the moderators. Don’t worry, they will treat you with kid gloves, serving up softball questions, while attacking Donald Trump nonstop for the entire 90 minutes.

13. Remember that – no matter how badly you flop and how many senior moments you have – the mainstream media will declare you the uncontested winner.

Other than that, you’re pretty much on your own, Mr. President. Did I mention, STAY AWAKE?