Joe Biden's Mea Culpa

(Mea culpa is a Latin phrase that means “my fault” or “my mistake” and is an acknowledgment of having done something wrong that could have – and should have – been avoided. In a religious context, it may be accompanied by symbolically beating the breast when uttering the words.)

In other words, it’s time for Joe Biden to beat his breast. Multiple times, until he is black and blue.

And so, in his own words, here is Geritol Joe’s personal apology to the American people…

“First, let me say that we only have a few minutes of lucidity here because my medication is about to wear off and I will soon revert to a state of total confusion. Kind of like Cinderella, whose carriage turned back into a pumpkin when the clock struck midnight. By the way, I once dated her back in Scranton and boy did her hair smell good. I also drove a pumpkin… I mean a carriage… I mean an 18-wheeler. Whatever… 10-4, good buddy and watch out for those smokeys.”

“Back to Scranton and the time I stared down Corn Pop. Or was that Wilmington and Popcorn? Oh well, it really doesn’t make a difference. All I know is that I once challenged Donald Trump to a fight behind the school gym when we were classmates, but he didn’t show up. Now where were we?”

“Oh, that’s right, the American people were about to apologize to me for making me wait 32 years to be elected president. That’s right, no joke, I started running for president back in 1988 when I was still in law school. By the way, I finished first in my class and Golda Meir personally handed me my diploma. No joke, I’m serious.”

“Anyway, back to your apology for making me run three times before winning. What? I’m supposed to say I’m sorry to you? For what? Darn medicine.”

“O.K., O.K., I’m sorry for doing such a lousy job as president. Don’t blame me, though. After all, I was mentored by Barack Obama, and we all know what a lousy job he did in office. Every time I turned around, he was drawing a different red line somewhere in Syria.”

“Back to my apology, you say? All right, for what it’s worth, I apologize for overturning every single border policy that Donald Trump implemented. Yes, I realize now that he was right and that his policies were working. After all, I have a fence around the White House, and another one around Camp David, and two more around my houses in Wilmington and Rehoboth Beach... so why not have one at our southern border? In my defense, just let me say that my lawn service was shorthanded, and they needed a few more landscapers. What do you mean that’s racist to say? Remember, if you don’t vote for me, you ain’t black.”

“While I’m at it, I may as well apologize for the whole climate change thing. I made that up just for fun to see if I could get a rise out of Al Gore, just like I did with the whole transgender nonsense. Who would have guessed that people would believe that we can control the weather or that men could have babies? Joke’s on me, I guess.”

“Well, I can tell that my meds are starting to wear off because I can feel the hair on my legs start to stand up. Anyone want to touch them?”

“Where’s Jill… I mean my sister… I mean, you know, the thing?”

“Anyway, I think I was just about to apologize for picking Kamala Harris to be my running mate. C’mon man, who could have imagined that she would be this incompetent? I mean, I sent her to the border to restore some sort of order, but she got lost. Poor girl headed east when everyone knows that Mexico is north. I mean west. I mean, oh you know, the thing.”

“No malarkey, I’m really sorry for picking her but Barack told me I had to… or no ice cream cones for me. He even threatened to put the training wheels back on my bicycle, not that that would be a bad idea.”

“Now, where were we again?”

“Oh, that’s right, I was about to say I’m sorry for moving America from energy independence to energy dependence. How was I to know that we needed oil to make gas? As for buying more oil from Saudi Arabia and Venezuela, well, that’s just the neighborly thing to do. So what if it doubles the price at the gas pump and makes us dependent on unstable countries that hate us? Get over it, will ya?”

“Speaking of countries that hate us, how about the masterful job I did with our withdraw from Afghanistan? Wasn’t that something? By leaving all those planes and other military equipment behind, we didn’t have to pay the shipping costs. C’mon man, how was I to know that the Taliban would use those weapons against our troops? I just asked myself, ‘What would Barack do?’ and then I did it.”

“In closing, let me say that the thing I am most sorry for is inflation. I just figured it was time that rich people started paying their fair share, so I increased prices for everyone. That’ll teach them, right? The rest of you middle class Americans are just collateral damage.”

“It’s almost nappy time now, so I’ve got to go or Jill will be mad at me. Have you ever seen her temper? Gotta stay on her good side, if you know what I mean. No joke. I’m not kidding. That’s not hyperbole. She’s more dangerous than my buddy Corn Hole.”

“Zzzzzzz.”