If President Trump Needs an Alternate Cabinet, Here Are My Suggestions

Politics is a funny game and by funny, I mean unpredictable. And so, I was thinking that President-elect Trump may want to have some alternate picks for his various cabinet positions ready in case the Senate doesn’t confirm one of more of them.

I have contacted each of the following individuals and they all said that they would be honored to serve in President Trump’s cabinet… so here goes nothing.

Attorney General – Either Perry Mason or Ben Matlock would do a fine job, but President Trump apparently wants a blonde AG… so Penelope Pitstop it is! Then again, justice is supposed to be blind, so how about Mr. Magoo?

Secretary of Defense – In the event that Pete Hegseth’s nomination is derailed, I would suggest Wile E. Coyote, who has vast experience with rockets, bombs, and other explosive devices. He could be assisted by Yosemite Sam as undersecretary, because he is very handy with six-shooters.

Secretary of State – Elizabeth McCord already served in that capacity (and Tea Leoni sure is pretty), but Mr. Jefferson Smith gets to go to Washington again. You can’t find a more honest man inside the Beltway.

Secretary of the Treasury – Scrooge McDuck, who else? He’ll balance the budget and pay down the national debt from his own personal wealth.

Secretary of Agriculture – The Scarecrow from the Wizard of Oz has been protecting crops since 1939. No one else comes close to his 85 years of experience unless it is Mr. Green Jeans from Captain Kangaroo. Flip a coin.

Secretary of Commerce – Dudley Do-Right is a man of great integrity with impeccable credentials (just ask the fair Nell Fenwick). As a Canadian citizen, he would also help smooth over the ruffled feathers of our neighbors to the north, who are about to get slapped with a 25% tariff.

Secretary of Education – Mr. Feeny (Boy Meets World), Ms. Frizzel (The Magic School Bus), Mr. Holland (Mr. Holland’s Opus), and John Keating (Dead Poets Society) would all be excellent choices, but I’m going to “Welcome Back Kotter” instead.

Secretary of the Department of Energy – The Tasmanian Devil has a virtually unlimited amount of energy, but he tends to create havoc wherever he goes. And so, if he implodes during his confirmation hearings, Atom Ant or Olive Oyl would be fine replacements.

Secretary of Homeland Security – Can you imagine anyone messing with Captain Caveman? I didn’t think so!

Secretary of the Interior – Yogi Bear is the obvious choice to oversee our National Park Service, but there might be some complaints from campers about stolen pic-a-nic baskets, so he’d better bring along Boo Boo and Ranger Smith for accountability.

Secretary of Labor – The Old Women Who Lived in a Shoe. Since she had so many children that she didn’t know what to do, I imagine she is an expert on labor.

Secretary of Transportation – There is one candidate who is imminently qualified to replace Sean Duffy if his nomination goes south: Speedy Gonzalez. It would also be nice to have a Latino in the cabinet, so Speedy gets the nod.

Secretary of the Department of Veteran Affairs – Col. Sherman T. Potter from M*A*S*H* would be a natural. Old school all the way… and he knows how to ride a horse!

Border Czar – If not Tom Homan, how about Elmer Fudd? Not only is there a slight resemblance between the two, but Elmer toting his shotgun would sure make immigrants think twice about illegally crossing our border. The same goes for Quick Draw McGraw and Baba Looey.

Centers for Disease Control director – Dr. Donald “Ducky” Mallard from NCIS would be my hands-down pick. Besides, he knows how to “rock” a bow tie.

CIA Director – Secret Squirrel is the most qualified person, I mean rodent, for the position. But then again, you can’t overlook Morocco Mole.

Director of National Intelligence – The Professor from Gilligan’s Island managed to turn a coconut into a ham radio, so he is smart enough to head this department. Oh, THAT kind of intelligence! In that case, how about Maxwell Smart, Agent 86?

EPA Administrator – No one knows more about eliminating toxic fumes than Pepe Le Pew. He should sail right through the confirmation hearings… or else.

Federal Communications Commission Chairman – You could do a lot worse than Corporal Walter Eugene “Radar” O’Reilly, from the M*A*S*H 4077. He can ring up anybody, anywhere.

Food and Drug Administration commissioner – Dr. Gregory House knows more about painkillers than any other potential nominee. Give him the job.

ICE Director – Mr. Freeze from the Batman TV series seems like a natural for this position… or perhaps the Winter Warlock from Santa Claus is Coming to Town.

Office of Management and Budget director – There is no better bean-counter than Ebenezer Scrooge!

Surgeon General – You can’t go wrong with Dr. Kildare or Marcus Welby M.D., but Dr. Frederick Frankenstein is the only physician I know who built a monster from scratch… and I just love Gene Wilder’s hair.

U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations – I realize that I have already selected two other candidates from M*A*S*H*, but wouldn’t it be fun to unleash Dr. Benjamin Franklin “Hawkeye” Pierce on all those pompous blowhards at the U.N.?

White House Communications Director / Press Secretary – Let’s combine these two positions and put Foghorn Leghorn in charge of both. Just imagine how entertaining – and longwinded – those White House briefings would be… you know what I mean, son? Or maybe Daffy Duck or Sylvester the Cat, if they both promised not to spit on the reporters in the front row.

Director of DOGE – Nobody knows more about eliminating pork from the federal government than Porky Pig himself… and that’s all folks!