Behind the Scenes at the DNC - Part 2

I was able to secretly record a second series of conversations at the Democratic National Committee’s headquarters in Washington D.C. before my hidden microphone was disabled by a powerful cleaning agent called BleachBit. How was I supposed to know that they had hired Hillary Clinton to do a little tidying up around the office?

In any case, here is what I was able to decipher before the mic went dead (yes, that’s another Hillary Clinton reference). The primary characters are the same as in yesterday’s post.

Jaime Harrison (DNC Chair): Now that we’ve settled on Bernice Sanders – the transgendered Senator from Vermont – as our presidential nominee, it’s time to choose a running mate. The top contenders are Kamala Harris…

Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, and James Carville (in unison): Groan

Harrison: Excuse me, may I continue without interruption?

Obama: Now, don’t go getting your feathers ruffled, Jaime. You know as well as we do that Kamala is totally incompetent.

Harrison: Yes, I do, but she is still on the shortlist because of her qualifications.

Carville: Being a woman and a minority are not qualifications, good buddy.

Hillary: What do you mean by that, Jimmy? That was the whole rationale behind my 2016 campaign.

Harrison: Back to the subject at hand, people. Now, as I was saying, the other contenders are Gretchen Witmer, Gavin Newsom, and Michelle Obama.

Obama: There’s no way Michelle agrees to play second fiddle to anyone. I should know.

Harrison: OK, scratch Michelle. What about Witmer and Newsom?

Carville: Bernice Sanders is old and ugly. If she stands next to Gavin, she’ll look even older and if she stands next to Gretchen, she’ll look even uglier.

Hillary: I have an idea. Why can’t Bernice choose “they” as her personal pronoun so she can run as her own running mate?

Obama: Makes sense to me.

Carville: Me too, but then again, I’m from Arkansas.

Harrison: So, it’s settled then. We will run a Sanders-Sanders ticket. Now about the border crisis?

Carville: What border?

Hillary: What crisis?

Harrison: All the polls are showing that illegal immigration is the #1 issue in America.

Hillary: Polls can’t be trusted. They all showed me beating Donald Trump in 2016.

Carville: Didn’t you?

Hillary: Yes, until the Russians colluded to steal the election from me.

Obama: Give it up, Hillary.

Carville: I have an idea. We should send Geritol Joe down to Texas for a photo op and then tell everyone that Donald Trump and the Republicans created the border crisis.

Harrison: Do you really think the American people are stupid enough to believe that lie?

Carville: Is that a rhetorical question?

Obama: Hold my beer.

Harrison: OK, problem solved. What about the economy?

Hillary: What about it?

Carville: It’s the economy, stupid!

Obama: Yes and no, Jimmy. I ran the economy into the ground during my first term and still managed to win re-election.

Hillary: Yeah, but you ran against Mitt “the Robot” Romney. Even I could have beaten him.

Carville: Don’t bet on it, sister.

Hillary: Shut your pie hole, Jimmy.

Harrison: Now, now, ladies.

Carville: Who you calling a lady?

Hillary: Yeah, who you calling a lady?

Obama: Good grief!

Harrison: My apologies to all the gender-fluid people in the room.

Hillary: We accept your apology.

Carville: Speak for yourself, sister.

Hillary: I am… I mean, we are. After all, if Bernice Sanders can self-identify as two or more people, so can I… I mean we.

Obama: Good grief!

Harrison: I think we’re in trouble. Motion to adjourn?

Obama, Hillary, and Carville (in unison): Aye!

Harrison: OK, the motion carries six to zero with two of Hillary’s split personalities abstaining.

Obama and Carville (in unison): We’re definitely in trouble.