Behind the Scenes at the DNC - Part 1

Using a hidden listening device that I borrowed from E. Howard Hunt and G. Gordon Liddy (if you turn me in, I will invoke the 5th Amendment, claim plausible deniability, or pretend to be a sympathetic, well-meaning elderly man with a poor memory), I was able to monitor some secret conversations that took place recently at the headquarters of the Democratic National Committee. The only voice I could make out for sure was that of Jaime Harrison, the DNC chair, but I could swear that I could hear James Carville’s southern twang and Hillary Clinton’s annoying cackle in the background… not to mention some sanctimonious pontification that sounded eerily like Barack Obama.

And so, without further ado, here is what I heard…

Harrison: What a pickle we’ve gotten ourselves into, isn’t that right James?

Carville: I prefer bread and butter ones to plain dill.

Harrison: Good grief, James, can you please be serious for a moment? We used Joe Biden as a Manchurian candidate in 2020, knowing that he was losing his mind, but now we’re stuck with him in 2024. He just won’t go away.

Carville: That’s because you did too good of a job hiding him in his basement bunker in Wilmington. Try that now and he’ll get lost for weeks at a time, just wandering around the situation room pretending he’s talking to Francois Mitterrand, Helmut Kohl, and Golda Meir.

Harrison: Is that such a bad thing? Getting lost for a few weeks, I mean. After all, out of sight, out of mind. Oops, sorry for that unfortunate choice of words.

Carville: No apologies necessary. Everyone knows the boy is bat#%*@ crazy except him.

Obama: If only he had listened to me in 2019 when I told him that he didn’t have to do this.

Harrison: Yeah, but you were talking in his bad ear, Barack.

Obama: He has a good one?

Hillary: And if only Donald Trump hadn’t stolen the election from me in 2016, we wouldn’t be having this conversation.

Obama: Give it up, Hillary.

Carville: Better watch what you say around her, Barack. She’s good at making things – and people – disappear. Just ask Vince Foster… and her 33,000 emails.

Hillary: There you go again, Jimmy, claiming that I erased everything with a cloth (cackle, cackle).

Obama: Give it up, Hillary.

Harrison: OK, back to the subject at hand. How can we get rid of Geritol Joe?

Carville: Just tell him that he’s already served eight years and is term-limited from running again. Are you telling me he’d know the difference?

Obama: Good point, James. I knew there was a reason Bill hired you back in 1992.

Carville: Actually, Bill hired me because I knew some cute young girls in Little Rock.

Hillary: That’s quite enough, Jimmy.

Obama: No, please go on, James.

Harrison: BACK TO THE SUBJECT AT HAND, PEOPLE! How do we bump Joe off the ticket… and Kamala while we’re at it.

Hillary: For the record, I am quite fond of Kamala. She has a wonderfully sincere giggle, similar to mine.

Obama: Give it up, Hillary.

Hillary (ignoring Obama): Actually, I think an all-female ticket is the way to go in 2024.

Harrison: But Elizabeth Warren is too old, and Gretchen Witmer is too, well, Gretcheny.

Carville: Maybe we could get Bernie Sanders to self-identify as a woman. After all, he’s only 81, and that’s a full 10 years younger than Joe.

Obama: (Snort)

Hillary: Actually, boys, I was thinking about a Clinton-Harris ticket.

Carville: But Bill is already term-limited out.

Hillary: (Fuming)

Obama: (Snort)

Harrison: Has anyone spoken to Dianne Feinstein recently? Maybe she’d be interested.

Carville: She died last year, you dunce.

Harrison: So, what’s your point, James? If we could run and win with a dementia patient in 2020, who’s to say we couldn’t run and win with a corpse in 2024?

Obama: What about Michele, my belle?

Harrison: I heard she isn’t interested.

Obama: She isn’t, but I am. With the girls in college, she’s driving me crazy.

Carville: Well, if that’s the case, how about that guy in California? After all, he’s only bankrupted his state to the tune of $1.6 trillion. Compared to Joe Biden, he’s practically a fiscal conservative… and he has great hair.

Obama: That’s right… and he wants to give free healthcare and college tuition to illegal immigrants. Wish I’d thought of that.

Harrison: But what’s the upside of that? It’s not like illegals can vote.

Carville and Obama in unison: Say’s who?

Hillary: (Snort)

Harrison: OK, let’s be realistic about things. The Great Reset isn’t scheduled to go into effect until 2030. We need a “bridge” candidate to get us from here to there.

Obama: In that case, we’re back to Sanders in drag.

Carville: He looks like a size 12 to me.

Hillary: Yes, but does he look as sexy in a pantsuit as me?

Obama: Give it up, Hillary.

Carville: (Snort)

Harrison: It’s settled then. Bernice Sanders will be our presidential nominee in 2024. Here’s to America’s first transgendered president!